Collateral Damage - My Memoir

Growing into my own after growing up in the wreckage of addiction

A little over two years ago, in the midst of the pandemic, I, like so many other people, decided it was finally time for me to write the book. I signed up for a writing group/workshop online. I’d been talking about writing a book for, well, decades, but had no idea what the book was going to be about:

• moving to a different continent to join a cult and marry a guy I only dated for six days
• reckoning with being the collateral damage of growing up with volatile alcoholic parents and multiple other family members with substance abuse problems
• dropping out of college to be a stay-at-home mom and live in poverty before going back to college and becoming a writer after 40
• being a recovering self-help junkie dealing with people-pleasing, depression, anxiety, and disordered eating
• parenting a blended family of six teenagers with my partner of ten years and navigating step-parenting and our relationship in challenging circumstances

I didn’t even have those bullet points above in my head at the time. It was all very nebulous. I’d been writing in fits and starts, interspersed by long silences. I figured if I sign up for this author workshop and pay the subscription fee every month and go to the coaching calls every week, that will give me the financial incentive and accountability I need to write every day to complete my book.

It did not.

After a year, I quit the writing group. My reason? I wasn’t ready to write a book (Read: I was too scared to write a book).

Was the time and money I spent on the writing workshop wasted? Absolutely not.

• During that year, I started my Substack newsletter Unmentionables, which has morphed in format but became the first writing commitment I ever kept to myself (posting every week for nearly a year)
• I started posting here on Medium and practiced putting experimental, unfinished (mostly unedited) stuff out there to deal with my perfectionism around writing (and, let’s be honest, life)
• I did stuff I was scared of (like entering the Medium writing challenge) and won a semi-finalist spot
• I made connections with other writers, several of whom have become friends, and some have made me jealous AND happy by writing and publishing their own books.
• I got a new freelance gig

When I quit, the group facilitator invited me to apply to the small publisher hosting the writing group. I was offered a contract position as a ghostwriter — a person who writes other people’s books anonymously. Over the last year, I’ve worked on ten different books ranging from entrepreneurship to self-help and personal progress, leadership, psychedelics, coaching, accounting, healthcare, IT, and business development. I contributed as an interviewer, ghostwriter, researcher, and editor. It was fucking scary at first, often exhilarating, and sometimes boring.

And also, it really pissed me off.

Regardless of how much I like some of the authors I get to work with, how much I learn from writing their books, and how glad I am to help them get their stories out into the world, I realized that I wanted to preserve most of that creative juice to write my own book.

There’s nothing like helping others achieve a dream you have for yourself and sitting with that envy.

I realized, I need to start, or I never will. The picture above is to document that decision. A random Thursday in October. There is no perfect time to start.

Instead of working on someone else’s book, yesterday, I put together:

• My book’s core theme (Why I want to write it and what it’s about, I’ll share more on that later)
• Positioning notes on my audience (Who will read this, and what will they get out of it?)
• My writing plan (When, where, and for how long am I committing to writing each day?)
• My table of contents (A very messy first outline of the main topics, themes, and sections in the book)

Today, I started writing at 8 am. First day — done.

Edit -- Read how it's going here:

Book Project Week One Update - Why Tiny, Un-Sexy Goals Beat Audacious Ones, Even If You’re An Over-Achiever

Book Project Week Two Update - Too Dumb for New York, Too Ugly for L.A.

Book Project Week Three Update - Inner Gold

Book Project Week Four Update - Leave If You Don't Like It

Book Project Week Five Update - When Getting a Rejection Email is the Best Part of Your Week

Book Project Week Six Update - Inside Job

I’m shit scared to fail, just like I have so many times before. I’m going to do it anyway, and here’s why:

• I’m tired of telling Rob over and over again how I want more creativity in my life but don’t make it a priority
• I’m having a fucking midlife crisis… ten years ago, I thought I had all the time in the world (I didn’t). Now at 40, I know that even in the best-case scenario, it’s pretty much half-time…
• If I don’t do it, I’ll regret it forever

I’ve learned a lot about overcoming my own barriers to writing consistently and all the components of the book creation process over the last two years. What I haven’t found is in-depth, real-time, case studies of first-time authors, allowing me to see their day-to-day process and go along with them. I feel like that would be really helpful to me right now! I’m not talking about all the amazing websites/trainings/courses for writers on how to brand and pitch and position and all that. I mean one person telling me how they found the resources they needed, applied them, worked through the colossal failures and triumphs, and muddled their way through to a final book.

The magical thing that happened, since I started writing my own book a few weeks ago? I'm more excited again about writing in general and helping others (you!) bring their books into the world.

Stick with me, if you’re interested in:

• How to discover what your book is about and why anyone should give a shit.
• How to get started on this book that’s been germinating inside of you your entire life (book positioning, audience, outlining, chapter structure, and all the things).
• How do you actually sit down and write instead of procrastinating, because you’re so scared about what will come out?
• Do you need to become a personal brand?
• How do you pitch your articles and essays to publications, especially if you have neither an MFA nor any bylines yet?
• How are you going to write AND pay the bills? How to find writers’ residences, contests, grants, and other funds that may be a good fit for you, and how to apply for them.
• Do you need an agent? Where can you get one? How do you get them to open your email, and if they do, what will you say?
• What else goes into a book (editing, proofreading, design, layout, production, marketing, distribution…), and how do you find people who don’t suck at these tasks and won’t clean out your life savings?
• Self-publishing, hybrid or traditional? How to figure out what’s right for you, get on a bestseller list, and avoid getting scammed.
• How can you make money with your book, and should you? Will it kill your creativity to turn your passion into a paycheck?
• And, of course, I’ll also share parts of my book with you…

I will write about these topics as they come up in my own book project, in real-time. I will share everything I've learned as a ghostwriter, book coach, and editor with you. I'll also share free resources, the mistakes I make, the rejections I get, and the things that are working for me.

If that sounds good to you…