Inside Job

Book Project Week Six Update

What I learned this week: I’m getting better at showing up for myself.

After decades of showing up for other people but not myself, I’m actually doing it.

I’ve been writing consistently and working on my book nearly every single day for six weeks. Aside from my book project, I’ve been journaling, editing old essays, entering writing contests, applying to residencies, and pitching magazines with story ideas. I’ve been going to the gym Monday through Friday for ten weeks. I feel stronger, because I am stronger. When the trainers asked how I was doing in the early weeks, I’d say: “Trying not to die.” This week, when one of them grinned at me and asked the question after spotting me back squat, I said completely unironically: “I’m fucking killing it.” I totally was.

What’s different this time?

I’ve been asking myself why all of a sudden, I’ve cracked through a barrier and consistently show up for more of the things I’ve said are important to me but have never prioritized before. The truth is that it didn’t happen “all of a sudden” at all.

These outward markers of progress and consistency are the result of years of internal work. It was an inside job all along. All the therapy, support groups, journaling, meditating, and talking to my inner circle of people are bearing fruit. All those tiny seeds I planted painstakingly by setting a boundary, getting enough sleep, quitting work at a reasonable time, addressing a problem with my therapist, or trying out a new approach, have changed me on the inside. Imperceptible when looked at separately, but noticeable as an accumulation of tiny changes becoming visible and tangible.

Just like I can’t watch myself age, I can’t watch myself change. But when comparing a snapshot from a year ago and today, I see the difference.

When it comes to writing, it’s good to learn about the craft, hone technical skills, and practice. What’s more important for the kind of writing I want to do, is to overcome internal hurdles. One of my favorite paraphrased writing advice I’ve shared before is:

If you want to write a good book, write what you don’t want to admit to other people. If you want to write a great book, write what you don’t want to admit to yourself.

My biggest problems have always been fears about being truthful in my writing and, therefore, with myself. Hangups about publishing my words and how to deal with negative, positive, or no feedback are all problems for someone like me with people-pleasing tendencies. Issues of procrastination and lack of follow-through have plagued me for years. None of these have anything to do with the craft of writing and everything to do with my insides. I didn’t want to hear it. I just wanted to know how to circumvent that pesky internal work keeping me from finding my voice on paper.

Only when I started excavating my internal world, did I begin to have anything of value to say. If I encounter a barrier, issue, or problem with writing, I now ask myself:

Is this an inside job or an outside job?

Then I proceed accordingly. Sometimes it’s been a matter of finding a resource to learn something or taking a class from an expert, or practicing a specific part of the craft. More often, the answer has been internal work.

What made me want to quit:

• More rejection. I pitched an article (“good idea, but too broad, please revise your pitch”). I revised my pitch and resubmitted it (“still too broad for the max word count, pass”). I read a guide on pitch letters and queries that were successful to get an idea of how to revise one more time. Re-revised and submitted a third time. Rejected a third time.
• Realizing that great writing and ideas are not enough. I also have to figure out how to sell my writing and myself, and I hate that so fucking much.
• Our furnace broke. I hate being cold with a passion. Living and working and trying to be creative in a house that required me to wear three sweaters and a blanket, sucked. (It is fixed now after two days of stiff fingers, and hoping the heating company could get the part and fit us in — hallefuckinglujah.)

What kept me going:

• Realizing that I actually like my writing, even if it’s not the right fit for some publications, and my voice doesn’t resonate with everyone.
• A brilliant friend and editor taking time out of her incredibly busy schedule to review my application materials for a writing residency. I know her insight and feedback will be invaluable.
• Building an ever-growing circle of writer friends who I adore personally and respect professionally. I haven’t had enough of these rich, creative relationships before, and they mean a lot to me.

Week Six Stats: Wrote 4,270 new words.

If you’re wondering about that guide on writing successful queries I mentioned, I received it after signing up for the Women on Writing newsletter, which you can do HERE.