Hardcore procrastinators, perfectionists, and recovering people pleasers: Do you want to write consistently, but somehow always end up watching all the Netflix Christmas movies or helping your cousin’s girlfriend’s dad move instead? Now you’re exhausted, and all the ideas in your head have turned soggy. How do you actually build a writing practice that doesn’t suck and feel like punishment instead of pleasure?

I’m sharing what’s working for me. Take what you like, and leave the rest:

• No holy grails
• Work with, not against, your personality
• Frequency over quantity
• Set tiny goals
• Create a flexible, custom practice

No holy grails

Take it from a recovering self-help junkie: I so badly just wanted someone else to tell me exactly what to do. That’s why this book genre sells, and why this type of article gets so many eyeballs. It’s tempting to get someone else’s framework/schedule/3EasyStepsToSuccess, because if it doesn’t work, I can blame them, and I never have to do the hard work of figuring myself out and gaining the self-awareness to understand what it is that I need and what keeps me from doing what I want.

I watch for strong feelings of buy-in or resistance.

The questions I ask myself when I’m experiencing enthusiastic buy-in: Am I doing this because someone I admire said I should or because it works for them? Is this a one-size fits all approach, or does it specifically take me into consideration?

The questions I ask myself when I’m experiencing strong resistance: Does this seem like a good idea for me that I’m discounting because I don’t like/respect the person sharing it? Do I reject this idea/behavior/habit that might help me because it conflicts with my chosen identity or old story about myself, or hurts my ego?

This includes my advice. I’m sharing what’s worked for me, but it most definitely will not work for you as is. The reason for that is obvious: You and I are two different people.

I tell you how I get my ass in the chair as a jumping-off point for how you’re going to get your ass in the chair. It’s an invitation to let go of other people’s holy grail.

Work with, not against, your personality

For years I’ve wondered why I really really really wanted to write but never did. I loved thinking about my lofty goals, but had zero follow-through. I made excuses, procrastinated, and always found myself out of time and energy after checking stuff off my neverending to-do list.

I came across Gretchen Rubin’s book The Four Tendencies, a framework to explain how different people respond to expectations, from themselves and other people. You can take the quiz here.

I’m an Obliger. I’m extremely reliable and follow through if I promised that I will do something for you. I feel guilty when I don’t. I’m the responsible designated driver, the rule follower, the party pooper, the ‘wear your damn seatbelt’ admonisher, the eternal older sister/favorite teacher/mom archetype. I’m the worker every employer wants to hire and the best friend who will always be there for you. If you’re tasting notes of people-pleasing and martyrdom, you’re correct. It’s hard for me to disappoint others, and very easy to disappoint myself. I tend toward overwork and burnout, and blowing up ‘for no reason’ (the reason is consistently doing for others what I should be doing for myself, then getting mad that other people aren’t meeting my needs and expectations).

I absolutely hated knowing this about myself, because the other tendencies sound so much cooler, funner, better. Supposedly, the majority of people are Obligers, but none of the reviewers on Gretchen’s website fess up to being one of them. It’s just not cool to bend over backward for others, and not take care of your own shit. So, for a long time, I knew this was me and denied it.

Then, one day in the not-so-distant past, I decided to embrace who I was (this took years of self-reflection and therapy, sorry to say).

I’m not saying The Four Tendencies are a silver bullet. They’re just one example of the very many things I did to get to know myself better and understand what works and doesn’t work for my personality. There are certain things about my personality that I work very hard to change because they’re damaging. And then there are parts of my personality that I can work with to get better results than if I were to expend the energy to change myself. I wish I was a mix of Upholder and Questioner, and I could try to change myself to become that. Maybe it would work, but would it be worth spending all that effort if I can just work with, rather than against, my personality?

How to apply actionable self-knowledge to writing?

• I write first thing in the morning before I start work or look at my to-do list. If I have no time or energy left at the end of the day, some chores won’t get done, but the stuff that’s most important to me will be checked off already.
• I have a lovely accountability buddy (Hi Tara!!), who I text every day about whether I kept my writing commitment. We also have a weekly co-writing time where we work on our stuff, and talk about issues we’re working through. The larger a group gets, the more invisible I feel, and the less I contribute, so small groups or one-on-one accountability works best for me.
• Publishing consistently and talking about my experiences with writing a book helps me normalize the ebbs and flows and be more comfortable doing something that’s important to me without requiring it to be perfect.

Frequency over quantity

Many experts will claim you must write every day. You don’t. This goes back to your personality, goals, and current life situation. Anything that smells of perfect streaks or rigidity sets me up for inevitable failure. How could anyone possibly write every single day?? What if you get seriously ill, are on vacation, lose a friend, or just really don’t want to that one day?

For me, it’s good to write most days, because it takes me a lot more effort to get things going than to keep things going, If I let too much time pass between writing sessions, the inertia is hard to crack over and over again.

My 94-year-old PopPop told me he only writes when inspiration strikes him, but then he goes deep and just keeps writing until he’s done. That approach works for him in his current life situation. He’s written two books and is working on his third.

His approach would not work for me, because I’m rarely inspired to write, and if I’m hit with a bolt of inspiration, it’s almost always as I’m finally falling asleep, while on hold with Verizon, or making dinner.

I used to wait for inspiration and then tried to write weeks, months, or years of words in one sitting. Aiming for frequency over quantity (of words) has helped me create a habit that’s getting harder and harder to break.

Set tiny goals

I know, it’s so unsexy because we’re supposed to reach for the stars. Having big dreams is not the problem, trying to achieve them in one big step, is. Unfortunately (or fortunately, who knows), overnight success is rare. The time I spent thinking about writing that one single essay that would get me a book deal, I could have spent on writing a shit ton of actual words, one day, one step, and sometimes as little as 15 seconds at a time.

Start with 250 words a day.

If you’ve just scoffed and rolled your eyes (“I write texts longer than this!”), I see you. I used to despise tiny (read: reasonable, achievable) goals for two reasons:

• I thought I was better than that (hello, big ego)
• I was scared that if I didn’t reach those tiny goals, I’d be considered an even bigger failure. Failing at big/audacious/outrageous/ridiculous goals is less shameful than failing at making it through fifteen seconds or writing 250 words

Fellow overachievers who have been taught that tiny goals are beneath you and not worth your time, try it out and see what happens. Here’s what happens for me:

• It lowers my anxiety about showing up, because I know I can make my goal.
• Knowing that I can make my goal, sets me up for success, which makes it more likely I’ll show up again the next day.
• Understanding that I’m only required to show up and write a specific number of words removes the pressure of writing the most amazing sentence the world has ever read. I’m committed to writing this many words — they don’t have to be profound or interesting.

Create a flexible, custom practice

Once you know your personality, have considered your life circumstances, and are clear on your writing goals, then you can create a routine that works for you (IF routine works for you. If you’re like my PopPop, good for you. Keep writing those books on your own sweet time). It doesn’t have to be completed, just think about:

• When?
• How long/How much?
• Where?
• What else?

For me, this is what works based on my personality:

When? Monday — Friday, first thing in the morning

I write first thing in the morning, because I’m practicing putting my own needs and wants first. This is something I’m trying to teach myself in life and in writing, and it’s a practice that’s difficult but really important for me at this time. However, it’s not tied to a certain time, because I usually wake up without an alarm clock based on my sleep needs and whatever else is going on.

The only requirement for me is that I do it first thing after getting up. Mornings are usually my peak brain time, so I’ve decided to use peak brain juice on myself. It’s taken me decades to claim that peak time (for personal and professional reasons), and I’m aware it’s a luxury.

I like routine but can tend toward rigidity. That’s why I’ve decided to commit to writing my book Monday — Friday, but haven’t specified a start time in the morning and left my weekends open. It’s a good mix of routine and flexibility for me to keep myself from slipping into slacking or rigid extremes. I often end up writing on the weekends, too, but sometimes I take a guilt-free break.

Maybe you can only do it on your lunch break, or after the kids are in bed. You may not be able to do it during your peak brain time. That’s fine. Do it when you can, and go from there. Your situation will change, your kids will get older, your peak brain times may shift, or you may switch jobs. You don’t have to be in the perfect situation to get started or come up with a perfect writing schedule.

How long/how much? 500-words minimum

That’s not because I’m now better than the 250-word minimum that I suggest if you’re starting out. It’s because I write a lot and I write fast, and I know that it’s easier for me to unclog the pipes by writing rather than thinking. Maybe you’ll write fewer words but think more before putting them down. We may end up with similar numbers of usable words, just in different ways. My fluff is on the page, while yours is in your head.

The important thing is that your minimum word count never feels like a stretch. If it feels ridiculously easy and attainable, that’s the right number.

Maybe instead of a minimum word count, you’d prefer a minimum time that you’ll sit at your desk or with your notebook, regardless of how many words end up on the page. That’s cool. This approach doesn’t work for me, because I’m very good at staring blankly into space and letting my thoughts run off. Minimum word counts keep me on track better than minimum time spent.

Where? My desk

I work at my desk downstairs in my house. I have two giant monitors, which makes it easy on my eyes. I’m surrounded by quotes, doodles, and photographs. I don’t mind that this is where I also work. Maybe you want to create a separate space for yourself to distinguish work writing from pleasure writing. There is no one right way to do it.

What else?

This is where you can put anything else that will help you. Maybe you’re into habit stacking or giving yourself an incentive for every session you finish. Maybe you can add or remove things from the space to be more conducive to writing.

I always have my morning coffee when I write, and go to the gym after. I like the combination of spending time on one of my favorite mental and emotional pleasures, and then doing something challenging for my body. In the winter, I light candles and keep a fuzzy blanket on my chair. In the summer, I open the door.

I’d love to hear what helps you or what’s been your biggest challenge in creating your own practice. Do you think there are any holy grails that I should know about? Have you rejected any famous advice on creating a writing practice, and if so, what happened??